Feeling Unawares . . .

Well, ever since the New Year I've been a little disoriented. My holidays were wonderful, probably the best in quite a few years. It was more relaxed and I had lots of opportunity to spend time with family, and just like old times we had a great time.

I'm not sure what it is, but I feel like I am that astronaut who was seperated from the spaceship mid-voyage and am now floating in space in no particular direction.

I have just figured out that I will have 5 days off between now and May- because of work. Work itself, I am tiring of. I used to absolutely love my job. I used to look forward to going in. Now there are so many aspects of the job I dislike or that make me unsure of myself, that I think I need a bit change and fast.

I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "You can't please everyone", but I have always tried very hard to do so. And, when I am unable to, it bothers me- really bothers me. The nature of this job is that not everyone will be happy and I am not confident enough right now to feel good about this.

Plus, a good friend of mine came to visit over the holidays and I thought we had an incredible, basic, but good visit. To my surprise, that was not the case. My friend, best friend I would say, came away upset with me- and was unable to tell me that for 4 or 5 days. To this day, I still do not understand what happened and it greatly upsets me. I was thinking our relationship was moving on to an even more mature relationship, but one of importance and now apparently that has changed. I still go to bed every night lately quite upset and unhappy.

I have always loved to have plans to look forward to- whether it be a trip, a new adventure of some kind and I feel I am at a stand still- a fork in the road and I'm not sure what road to take. Actually, I'm not even sure I want to follow a road.

I think I need some big change. What would make me truly happy? I need to stop thinking so much about what I can do for others to help them or make their lives happy and make myself a priority.

I am giving myself a deadline. Since I will have very limited opportunity to talk with my friend and for sure will not be able to see him for at least 6 weeks- likely longer, so I will have a chance to put some things down on paper. I really need to look at where I want to be in 5 years and what makes me genuinely happy. I am not a youngster. I know how I function best. I know what things upset me and what makes me content. I will try and make a plan and then take the steps to make those changes.

Stay tuned if you're at all interested in what develops. I know I'm interested in seeing how this ends. . . .